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Laura's spaceAugust 06 Without Good Direction People loose their WayFlicking through my Bible, I found this proverb, and I can't get it out of my head. I feel like I've lost my way. And not because of a lack of advice! I've had plenty of that. It's about feeling shut off from the world, flailing. But then, the world is often going in a different direction from me, and I still have contact with my brothers and sisters in Christ, but I'm not immersed in my family as I once was...like a coal out of the fire, I guess. In truth, I don't understand. I just want to be well. God is my fire and my direction. All I need is him. But I was made for more than this, I was made for a life full of love and hard work and "job satisfaction", knowing that I am being used to the best of my abilities. I was made for more than this. August 01 God's hand in the desert placeToday, God picked me up gave me a cuddle and told me that I am his. I feel like an explosion is coming! I feel like LIFE is going to explode on us and God is going to reign down and in his mercy rescue us. We are going to live for him, live real life, not this imitation we've been muddling through. I want to stop saying "when" and "if" and making excuses for not living the way I want to. And I'm going to. Watch this space! I can't do it on my own, but God has definitely got me, and he's had me throughout this rubbish time, and He will lead me out and into the green pastures: the land of milk and honey. I like honey. July 30 RestlessI was looking for a job today. Didn't actually find any that I could do, but looking was interesting. I was offered a job by a previous employer, A9 Partnership. If you ever get the opportunity to work there then grab it with both hands, they are wonderful people and they really look after their staff. I would have loved to work for them again, but unfortunately now that I've moved, their too far away.
I don't know what my future holds. I don't know where I'm headed. I feel like I'm in limbo and I'm getting really restless. In truth, I just want to be better, I just want to be through this and I am really strugglin to keep going. I know GOd is with me, I guess I just need to start being faithful to him and leaning on him more. He'll get me through. ZombieI haven't been taking my happy pills. I forgot a day or two, and now i can't be bothered. Depression is a hugely dibilitating illness. I don't think you can ever realise just how dibilitating it is until you've had it.
I really don't feel like I'm coping. I know I'm not coping. Our flat is a complete state and I can't fix it. I have been trying to make a shoe rack. All I have succeeded in doing so far is making a lot of mess, getting a splinter and looisng the tweezers. I forgot how much splinters hurt. They hurt! This is very negative. I have been feeling good about making this shoe rack, adn I have been tidying and sorting the hall, making it feel more like home. However, in the process the rest of the house has been abandoned and now looks worse than usual. But I have about 2 sqauare metres that look almost great! The shoe rack will finish it off nicely, whenever that gets finished.
I have been learnign a lot of really tough lessons recently...about being good to myself and not beating myself up and how I can't fix everyone. Yvonne, my therapist says I have a over developed sense of responsability! Who knew?!? Lol. Only everyone who's ever met me! Yvonne is lovely though, and she's really helping me out. I almost enjoy our sessions, which is weird, cos a lot of it feels a bit like together you're cutting open your own cheast and poking around at the sore bits going....now, where does that come from?? Oh...and it goes there...right. Ouch, ouch, ouch. I think I am getting better, I seem to be swinging a lot, which is a good sign, because it means I get above rock bottom! It just means that the rock bottom feels a bit like getting hit in the stomache with a hammer when you're not expecting it, rather than constantly feeling like your waking about, looking relatively normal on the outside, but instead of having all your normal feelings, emotions and thoughts inside, you just have a big gapping hole! You get used to the hole after a while when it's constant, just walking around like a sad zombie, wanting to cry all the time but not being able to. It's the going from happy to zombie within a couple of hours that's really hard to deal with.
ANyhow, I guess I'd better go to bed now, see my lovely husband.
xxx March 18 Pleasing Everybody or putting myself first?I didn't send my Mum a card this mother's day. I didn't forget, I just didn't do it. The problem is, neither did my 2 brothers. So, my Mum is really upset. We have plans for today, but I want to drop everything and go and spend time with my Mum, show her that we do love her and make her day special. The problem is, I'm tired. I only get 2 days a week with my husband, when I'm not on my own all day. And in those 2 days we've always got loads of housework to do, and it's the only time that we can see other people and Ben can rest. So we need to fit in quite a lot in our weekends. It's not even the lack of time that's the problem, it's my anxiety and my depression. This is the cycle... I want to do things for others, I really really do. But I'm tired, and I feel like shit. So, I either do nothing, and feel worse, or do far to much, get exhausted and then do nothing, feeling like crap again. I know there's a middle ground in there somewhere...somewhere between doing nothing and doing everything, somewhere between beating yourself up and letting things go and not caring. There's a middle ground somewhere where I can do things for others and show them that I love them and yet still look after myself and love myself. But where? |
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